I...uh, just wanted to apologize for my behavior in this Thread. To the person who wrote the diary — I am sorry that my behavior lead to a comment chain that went straight to margins right at the top. To the person who I called “human garbage”, that was absolutely uncalled for. I try my best to be as civil as possible, but yesterday and today I let what is going on in my life get the better of me. I offer this not as an excuse, but as an explanation to those in the thread that I harmed with my words.
As to the charge of transphobia that was specifically leveled against a joke I made about a particular proud boys appendage, I fail to see how that applies, and quite frankly the charge hurt me more than the person leveling it could have imagined. I understand that making a “small dick” joke is usually not in good taste, but we are talking about neo-nazi thugs here, people who, given the chance, would beat the fuck out of each and every one of us — kill us even. I wont apologize to that scum, nor do I see how making such a joke has anything to do with transpeople. These fuckers flaunt their white, male, CIS status all about town, my joke had everything to do with ridiculing the way they act in public — like they have something to compensate for, and nothing to do with putting any transperson down. I have actually thought quite a bit about the charge since it was leveled last night, trying to view from any angle where I could potentially have a blindspot. Usually when I do this, I can find one, I can see where I went wrong. Here, I just can’t.
I kind of felt ground into the dirt a bit on that thread, to be honest. I mean, it wasn’t like I was being called a fuck-head or anything but I just sort of felt the accusation unfair, meant more to score points, to alert people that may disagree with my use of the “small dick joke” to the fact that there may be blood in the water. I feel like the accusation was about a lot more than honestly calling out prejudice as one sees it. I feel like it was weaponized against me in a very passive aggressive way.
Thats why I lashed out. It was absolutely wrong. But given my depression, the fact that I feel this a safe space to vent real feelings about politics, and what I believed was a violation of that safe space, I got angry. I stopped thinking about my words. Hell, mid-day I posted an ErrinF just fucking ban me diary because I was so pissed that my words could be warped in such a way.
I know this is a fucked up apology. On the one hand I feel absolute guilt about the way I overreacted, and on the other hand I am still pretty angry that something so small was made so large by two users, one of whom I respect a great deal.
But still, I said some shit that would have been HR’d into oblivion, probably would have put me on a TO had anyone reported. Its not right for me to violate the rules of the road, no matter how unfair I feel someone is being to me. I feel I owe the community, and the person I called a piece of human garbage an apology with no strings attached, even though I still believe with 100% certainty that my comment had NOTHING to do with transpeople in the slightest.
