This is a personal diary, if thats not what you are looking for, go ahead and click away now.
I am fucking stressed to all fuck and I need to vent. I dont even know where or how to begin. I guess with the fact that I am so terrified right now I can barely sleep. I was diagnosed with GAD and OCD about a year ago, and despite my best efforts to control it with medication and counselling, nothing seems to be working. For some reason, anti-depressants make me hear voices and see things, the last time I tried to correct my anxiety with meds it lead to some really bad side effects, some of which still persist to this day even though I quit anti-depressants about 10 months ago. My anxiety is connected to a severe phobia surrounding vomiting and throwing up/social anxiety, which means contagion and stuff like pandemics are already severely triggering for me.
Recently, my anxiety (along with everyone elses) has been maxed out. I mean absolutely just fucking bonkers maxed. Last night, just an example, tried to sleep but couldnt get there, despite my best efforts, until 3:30 am, and thats a good night. I awake several times a night in cold sweats or with nightmares, horrible images in my head. I will lie awake for hours after this, just absolutely terrified. I am not very comfortable being this vulnerable in an online space, but I just have to get this out. I am fucking scared out of my wits. This pandemic is making me lose sleep, and the fact that Donald Trump is at the helm of the US response to this only adds to my pegged anxiety meter.
And now Oregon is thinking about how to implement a “Stay home, stay healthy” order. I am not sure how that differs from a shelter in place order, but it sounds an awful like stay the fuck home if you are sick we arent fucking around. See, the problem is I live with my in-laws. My father-in-law has moderate dementia and his impulse control is...lacking. My wife and I have been coping with burnout from simply living with him by leaving, getting hotels, having fun little coast trips. Thats one coping mechanism gone. He wont wash his hands or take a shower, but we have been socially isolating him for a year because he can’t control things that come out of his mouth and his behaviors with the general public.
My mother-in-law is in denial about his disease and that frustrates my wife to no end, which then, in turn, puts pressure on my marriage. Yesterday, my wife and I got into a spat about god knows what, I mean it was relief of stress about this pandemic shit, but who the hell knows what started it, and my wife went for a drive by herself. She came home, we went for a walk to talk about it (we don’t resolve issues in front of the in-laws), and my mother in law asked my wife what was wrong. My wife was rude to her, and now my MIL hasn’t talked to either of us in more than 24 hours. This sort of emotional dynamic with no outlet is going to kill me. And we’ve only been fucking isolating for 3 days.
Speaking of isolation, my brother in law has an unfortunate invicibility complex. He has been going out all fucking weekend despite multiple warnings from myself and my wife that his parents are at particularly high risk, both being over 60, one of whom is still pre-diabetic. He wont listen, he doesnt think its a big dea, and honestly he tried floating the argument with me yesterday that this sickness will “make humanity stronger” by wiping out people who are naturally weaker. I pointed out that that is social darwinism and that his parents are most likely in a severe risk group and that what we do now impacts their lives far more than it impacts ours. I woke up this morning, and he is gone, once again, to god fucking knows where.
I am stressed. I am fucking worried and I can’t control my environment. Not even isolating MYSELF is enough. I have to convince the people around me that this is worth caring about, I have to take care of a person whose impulse control is waning, severely. Most of all, I have to stay here. My wife and I already feel like we live under a microscope here. We cant have a discussion without having the peanut gallery get involved, and now we have up to 3 months without being able to get a fucking hotel room and be ourselves for a fucking weekend.
Oh yeah, and my foundation year social work internship was cancelled, I have to stay an extra two terms in my program which will cost me an additional 10,000 dollars. God FUCKING damnit.
Thanks for listening. I dunno if I feel better, but I sure don’t feel worse for getting this all out.
Feel free to use this as an open thread to bitch about how this virus is affecting you.